Pirates of the Caribbean: The Low Budget Rip Off
by anamaji-c
Summary: Hello there! Here is my yes yet another parody of the POTC film! Its kinda crap but gets slightly better round chapters 3&4... so please R&R!
1. Don't eat cheese before bedtime

YET ANOTHER PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN PARODY... BY ME (IZZIE, THE CABBAGE)  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, the Characters, any of Gore Verbinski's work including evil videotapes or cursed pirate gold. Or a pirate ship. (Yet.)  
  
It was a foggy day and a young ugly child was standing at the front of a ship, singing like a wannabe Kate Winslet. What she was singing was a version of 'A Pirates Life for Me' although it did not sound much like it. As she squawked another six or so lines of the song, putting several million happy cinema viewers in terrible agony, a plump ugly man sneaked up behind her and put a hand on her shoulder. She gasped and spun around. 'Shut yer face, you ugly squirt. Cursed pirates sail these waters. You don't want to bring them down on us now, do you? Even though that's the entire and full point of this film.'  
'Mr Gibbs, that will do. Nobody finds you remotely funny; in fact we all think you're an alcoholic boozer, you sod.'  
'But she was singing about pirates. It's bad luck to be singing about pirates in this unnatural fog, you mark my words.'  
'Consider them marked,' Norrington sighed. 'On your way. And keep away from my mini-fridge. I count those Budweiser's, you know.'  
'Aye lieutenant,' Mr Gibbs said. He moved away and took another drink from his flask. 'It's bad luck to have a woman aboard too. Even a miniature one.'  
'I heard that, you sexist bastard!' Elizabeth said. 'Anyway, I think it would be rather exciting to meet a pirate.'  
'Think again Miss Swann,' Norrington said, frowning. 'Vile creatures the lot of them. I intend to see to it that any man that sails under a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what's coming to him. A short drop and a sudden stop.'  
'You mean the ride at Disneyland? I like that one,' Elizabeth smiled. She saw Mr Gibbs mime hanging and gasped in horror.  
Just then her father, the Governor, walked over. 'Lieutenant, I appreciate your concern, but I don't want my daughter to get the impression she has to listen to a pompous git wearing an ice-cream on his head. Kindly piss off.'  
'My apologies, Governor Swann,' Norrington said, leaving.  
'Actually, I find it all fascinating,' Elizabeth beamed.  
'Yes, you would, you evil little child. Now go play dangerously leaning over the edge of the ship.'  
Elizabeth did as she was told and stared hard at the water, which was currently her favourite past-time (as well as pouring Mr Gibb's rum supply to the dolphins and watching them turn triple back-flips). Suddenly she noticed an umbrella floating in the water. She ignored the near drowning boy and watched it float past.  
'Look, look, there's an umbrella in the water,' she called. 'Oh, and a drowning boy,' she added, seeing images of lawsuits flash past in her mind. 'Man overboard!' Norrington yelled. Several men took this the wrong way and jumped off the boat. Soon the boy was hauled up on board.  
Suddenly a burning ship came into view. Everyone ignored it, however. They were too busy watching the pretty umbrella, gently floating...  
'Elizabeth, I want you to accompany the boy. He will be in your charge.' Elizabeth nodded obediently, already thinking of various ways to annoy the helpless, near dead child.  
'What's your name?' she asked.  
'W-w-w-will Turner,' he stuttered. Elizabeth decided he must be in with the hip-hop clan. Perhaps he was touring?  
'I'm watching over you Will,' she said loudly, and watched her father and Norrington smile at her loveliness. 'So don't try anything,' she hissed in an undertone as they walked away.  
As he fainted again (presumably at her loveliness), she saw a glittery gold thing round his neck.  
'Has he said anything?' Norrington asked.  
'He has a pirate medallion. Therefore, I must assume he is a pirate. Or he has some cool rapper bling.'  
'Alrighty,' Norrington hummed, walking away.  
Elizabeth left the half dead boy, who was now coughing up starfish, and walked to the front of the boat. She gazed out to sea and saw a strange ship. Shock horror! It had a black flag on! A pirate ship! It was reflected in her shiny contact lenses. She deliberated whether to tell the crew, but soon forgot and began to annoy the orphaned boy instead. 


	2. The Morning After the Night Before

Elizabeth woke up suddenly. She lay in bed staring into space and then got up. She went to her drawer, which was strangely empty (very suspicious indeed) and lifted something up to reveal...a secret compartment! (DUN DUN DUN...)

Inside was the blinging medallion. Elizabeth lifted it out and stared at it. Images of touring with J Lo and the rest of her entourage flashed through her simple and dozy little mind. She smiled blankly. Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

'Elizabeth?' her simple dad said. Elizabeth jumped up and knocked over several valuble pieces of porcelain. 'Are you decent?'

'Yes! Just wait till I've shoved this purty medallion down my bra!' Elizbeth screeched. She did just that in an attempt to hide the medallion, oblivious to the fact that there was still a long chain round her neck.

Her father strode in. 'Still abed at this hour? Its a lovely day.'

'Actually it's pretty obvious I'm not still in bed,' Elizabeth snapped. The maids drew the curtains and she covered her face. 'My eyes! My beautiful eyes!'

'I have a gift for you,' her father smiled. The maids showed Elizabeth a dress, neatly packaged in a box. Elizabeth lifted it out.

'Oh, it's so luvewly,' she lisped. 'May I enquire as to the occasion?'

'Does a father need an occasion to dote upon his daughter?' her father said.

'I know you're lying. You never give me presents unless there's something in it for you. Like the time you gave me a goldfish farm just so Norrington could feed his piranhas. That was mean, that was.'

'Actually...' her father said through gritted teeth. 'I had hoped you would war it to the promotion ceremony this afternoon.'

'What ceremony?'

'Captain Norrington's promotion ceremony. Commodor Norrington as he's about to become.'

'I knew it!' Elizabeth hissed. 'And it's not because you told me yesterday either!'

'He fancies you, you know.' Elizabeth gasped as the maids pulled her corset together. 'Elizabeth? How's it coming?'

'Commodor Norrington is a dirty old man then because he is old enough to be my father. Anyway it's difficult to say...'

'I'm told it's the latest fashion in London,' Governor Swann pouted despondantly.

'Well, women in London must have learnt not to breathe, which is probably why so many of them die young. It's not all smoking and drug abuse you know. Although this corset does have a rather nice wonderbra effect... yes indeed, this is fine,' Elizabeth rambled absent-mindedly.

There was a knock at the door. 'My Lord, you have a visitor.'

It was the froglike man that girls all over the world have an obsession with... Will Turner.


	3. What to call posh ladies and why you don...

Young Will Turner stood in the Governor's hallway and admired the pretty l'il decorations. He looked at one of the candle thingies but it came off in his hand. This scared him so he tried to shove it in his pocket ignoring the fact it was, like, five times too big, then shoved it in an umbrella stand. He was just in time as the Governor entered.

'Good day, Mr Turner,' Elizabeth's father said, trying to sound friendly but failing.

'Good day, Sir,' the apprentice said eagerly. 'I have your order. Please don't look in your umbrella stand.'

'No, four years of finding broken objects that used to be worth thousands of pounds in the umbrella stand - always following your visits, strangely - have taught me to ignore it completely.'

Will nodded cheerfully, obviously understanding nothing, and opened the case. 'The blade is folded steel. There's purty gold stuff in the handle. It's perfectly balanced,' he said, reading the helpful comments that his master the blacksmith had written on the non-obvious back of his hand. 'The ... tang ... is ... nearly ... the full ... width... of... the... blad. No, I mean... err...blade.'

The governor reached for the sword but Will decided to play dangerously by throwing it around in the air. It flew towards the Governor, who screamed and ducked. Instead it hit his wig. Will picked it up, and beaming with joy handed it proudly to the Governor.

'Thank you,' Governor Swann snarled, snatching it. 'Commodore Norrington's going to be very...err...pleased with this, and I'm sure the numerous SCRATCHES AND DENTS won't matter either.'

Just at that moment Elizabeth pranced down the stairs in her new dress.

'Elizabeth!' her father choked. 'You look absolutely hid- err, stunning!' Elizabeth smiled and the Governor whacked his chest in an attempt to get his heart working properly again.

'Will!' Elizabeth shrieked. 'How nice to see yooooooooou. I had a dream about you last night.'

Governor Swann started choking again. 'About me?' Will asked dimly.

'Yes, Will - iam. About the day we met, do you remember?'

'Oh, not really. I mean, I only half-drowned, and got shipwrecked and floated around on a piece of WOOD for like FOUR HOURS and then moved to the bloody Caribbean, oh, and not forgetting that I met you which started a life of nightmares...and you stole my medallion... no, no, I don't seem to remember that day. Why, did anything special happen?' Will was being sarcastic to the best of his ability but Elizabeth just stared at him blankly.

'Medallion? Oh that medallion. The one that I am currently hiding in my bra. Would you like it back?'

Will shuddered. 'After what you just said...no, no thank you. Miss Swann.'

' Will!' Elizabeth said. 'How many times must I ask you to call me Elizabeth?'

'I tried that!' Will snapped. 'You threw a lobster at me! From now on I'm calling you Miss Swann.'

'There, at least the boy has a sense of propriety, in other words he knows we're better than he is,' Elizabeth's dad said comfortingly.

'Good day, Mr Turner,' Elizabeth said snobbily, and she and her dad left in a carriage.

Will walked to the door. 'I'll just hang out here then! ELIZABETH!!!' he yelled, just to piss her off.


	4. Howdya know Jack about boats

While these merry shenanigananigans were going on, an odd visitor had arrived in Port Royal.

Jack Sparrow, the once-famous ex-captain of the Black Pearl, was standing on top of a ship in a very clever way. He looked down and was surprised to see that his ship was slooooooowly but SUREly sinking. Jack grabbed the nearest rope and jumped onto the deck, causing it to sink further and ignoring the pretty handrail by the side that had a sign on saying {Please use the stairs to avoid danger to self and others}.

Then he passed a sign saying {Pirates ye be warned}. It was in front of a lot of dead pirates that had been hung by Norrington's men. They were sad, because they were dead. Jack was sad too, so he saluted them with his two fingers, a sort of peace sign but the other way because pirates aren't very peaceful.

Then Jack suddenly disappeared and lots and lots of people were walking around some boats and random goats were being put on the boats, probably so they could drive them. Then everyone stopped chanting 'Boats! Goats! Boats! Goats!' and looked around.

Jack was sailing into port on top of his ship, but it was SINKING and he stepped off before he got his nice boots all wet, because he forgot his 'waterr proofe' spray that he bought in Duty-Free on a voyage to Frankfurt. When he had stepped off the boat, he tried to walk away. But then a voice yelled at him.

'Oi, hold up there you!' It was an ugly man in a wig. Jack raised his eyebrows and walked over.

The man continued. 'It's a fiver to tie up yer ugly useless falling-apart pile of shi... I mean your ugly useless falling-apart pirate ship.'

Jack looked offended and stole the man's wig.

'And I shall need to know your name. And I shall also need my wig back.'

'Is that my real name or my made up name?' Jack said.

'Your real name,' the loser replied.

'What do you say to...an hundred quid, and we forget the name?'

'Well...OK, but I'll just give you a made up name anyway if you do that so you might want to just - '

'Excellent,' Jack said, dropping a bundle of notes on the guy's book. He walked off.

'Welcome to Port Royal, Mr Folgonogoloober,' the guy called. Jack gave him a dirty look and walked off, casually picking up the large money sack, bank card and piece of paper marked 'MI PINN NUMBAR, PLEZ DOO NUT REED' on it.

Meanwhile, at the happy castle, Elizabeth was standing in the sun watching the Presentation Ceremony. Norrington walked through a little archway of soldiers, ignoring their nasty jibes of 'Kick 'im!' though tears sprang to his eyes. Elizabeth blew a raspberry at him.

THEN finally he got to the front bit thing and the Governor meanly threw a sword at him, which he pointed to the sky. And he put a bobble hat on with 'COMMODOR' on it.

Meanwhile Jack was down at the port, when he spied a ship...


	5. Impressing the boss's daughter

Jack made his way down the jetty but was suddenly stopped by a couple of blokes guarding the docks.

'This dock is off limits to civilians,' one said coolly, who fancied himself as a bodyguard.

'I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know. If I see one, I shall inform you immediately.' Jack tried to push past but the stupid gits blocked him again.

Jack then started an argument about the Black Pearl, which made all the viewers go 'Ooh, that's in the title, that is.' While they argued he snuck onto the ship.

'Oi! You! You don't have permission to be aboard there, mate!' the thick guys said.

'I'm sowy. It's a berry purty bowt,' Jack lisped, batting his eyelashes.

'What's your name?'

Jack tried to remember. 'Er...Fettucini...no...Folonololololno...dammit, 'tis Smith. Or Smythe. Or Smythery.'

'What is your purpose in Port Royal, Mr Smythery?'

'It is LORD Smythery. I'm a pi - posh person.'

'Sorry,' one of the red coated Butlins guys said. 'Same question...Lord Smythery.'

Jack said some stuff which is too long to type about how he wanted to nick a ship and do other illegal stuff like that and stuff.

And then the guys tried to work out if he was lying but Jack confused them even more.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth was walking past some string players and trying to nick their music. Then she tripped and knocked over their music stands. Norrington, seeing this, rushed over to distract her from her music-bashing.

'May I have a moment?' he asked.

'No,' Elizabeth said rudely. Norrington grabbed her arm and hauled her away, although this was made difficult by Elizabeth stabbing him with a cello spike.

Norrington and Elizabeth stood on a high point. Norrington thought this was crafty.

'Feel free to stand nearer the very high drop,' Norrington said. Elizabeth thanked him and did. Norrington cleared his throat. 'This...promotion throws into sharp light that which I have not achieved. A marriage to a fine woman.'

'And I have become a fine woman,' Elizabeth screeched.

'Ummmmmmm...' Norrington painfully tried to avoid the subject. 'Well...if I marry you your dad might give me another promotion. And another promotion. Soooo...'

'I can't breathe,' Elizabeth said, because the fish she had stuffed down her corset for a snack (which was already rotten) was beginning to smell bad.

'Yes, I feel that way myself,' Norrington said, who had just realised that he had agreed to spend the rest of his life with Elizabeth.

Elizabeth fainted and fell over the edge. Norrington looked back and saw she was gone.

'Elizabeth?' he asked puzzled, not hearing the loud cries of 'Help me, Norry! There are sharks in the water!' He turned to leave, shrugging. Then he saw Elizabeth's dad, and all the people he had to impress. 'I mean...er...oh, I have just realised you are drowning. Er. ELIZABETH!' he shrieked like a girl.

Meanwhile, Jack was on board the Interceptor talking about his movie career with Tim Burton.

'Everyone says it's remarkable we have such a good relationship. I mean we're doing our fourth film together right now. But really I lost to him in Blackjack and am his lifelong acting slave.'

Suddenly they saw Elizabeth fall in the water.

'Oh. There is the governor's daughter.' one remarked.

'Yes. Look at that. Please continue, Mr Sparrow.'

'Aren't you going to save her?' Jack said.

'I don't have my water wings. And my uniform will get mucky,' wailed the fat one.

Jack sighed. 'I'll save her,' he said, and jumped in to save Elizabeth.

_I don't have time to write the rest of this scene right this minute but the next part is coming very soon. So stay tuned...and please R&R!!!_


	6. Lies, Betrayal and stealing peoples fish

Elizabeth was slowly sinking into the deep ocean.

Jack jumped down and quickly swam over. He jumped down to grab her and tried to swim up to the surface. But he just sunk again.

'Bloody hell,' Jack muttered. 'Heard of slimfast?'

'It's my corset, dumbass,' Elizabeth muttered, before slumping back into unconciousness.

Jack ripped off the corset and chucked it in the ocean. Several dead mackerel fell out and slowly sunk to the bottom. Then Jack swam away with the drowning Elizabeth.

As Jack shoved her on the jetty, several of the sailors went 'Ohhhhhhhhhhhh' in disappointment. Then, as the Governor glared at them, it changed to 'Ohhhhyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!' Norrington was much saddened to see that Elizabeth was still insulting him under her breath.

'Elizabeth! Are you alright?' her father said dramatically.

'No. My fish have all gone. All gone,' Elizabeth said sadly.

'Shoot him!' the Governor said, pointing at Jack.

'Father. Commy door. Are you really going to shoot this nice man who rescued me?' Elizabeth said. 'Unless...Mr Man Who Rescued Me, did you eat my fish?'

'I did not eat your fish,' Jack said.

'Okeedokee,' Elizabeth said.

'I believe thanks are in order,' Norrington said. He reached to shake Jack's hand, then pulled up his sleeve. Several magic cards, a hidden coin and a wand fell out onto the jetty. There was also a big 'P'.

'You are a pirate,' Norrington stated.

'Actually that's just my...er...band's logo,' Jack said.

'Then why is there a tattoo that shows you are Jack Sparrow?' Norrington said.

'Because I am Jack Sparrow,' Jack said.

'Ah. I see. That would explain a lot,' Norrington said.

There was a long silence while everyone stared at Norrington. Then Norrington told his men to 'catch the nasty pirate and hang the nasty pirate.' So Jack grabbed Elizabeth.

'Don't shoot!' the Governor cried. Elizabeth was blocking Jack and he was afraid she would get shot.

'Ohhhhhhhhh,' all the soldiers whined.

Jack told Elizabeth to put his hat on his head. 'It is Elizabeth, isn't it?'

'It's Miss Swan,' she yelled in response.

'Alrighty, Mr Swann,' Jack said and then he escaped by doing lots of clever stunts. He swung round a post on a rope. His shoes came off and hit Norry in the head.

'Owwwww!' Norrington groaned.

The Governor beamed. 'Oh, look, fellows! We are all throwing our shoes at the Commodor! What jolly fun!' So all the people on the jetty chucked their shoes at Norrington and then grabbed them again so they could run after Jack.

But by this time, Jack was in the town...

Note. Johnny Depp really is in a band called 'P'. He is multi-talented and extremely hot too. That is just a worthless piece of information. And a special note to those who have complained about my mistreatment of Orlando...: OK! OK! He doesn't look like a frog. (now please continue reading my story, thank you.)


	7. FORGEing a Friendship

Hello everyone. I would just like to say 'thanks' for reading and reviewing. Keep up the good work, and I'll keep writing...and apologies for insulting Orlando again. Seeya and enjoy this chapter.

Chapter 7: FORGEing a friendship (sorry, I know!)

So, Jack had run into the town. First, (while the soldiers were playing 'Hit Norrington with your shoes') he went and bought some toothpaste, because he had forgotten his when he came on holiday to Port Royal. Then, he remembered he was an escaped convict. So he hid somewhere.

As the soldiers ran past, Jack hid behind a statue of a blacksmith. He put a sword through the hand, with a little flag on saying '_There are no pirates here. Kindly go away_.'

The soldiers were suspicious. But Norrington said 'Can't you read the sign! Go and check the sock puppets shop! Now there's a pirate hideout if I ever saw one.' So the soldiers went away.

Then Jack ran into the forge, and got rid of his handcuffs by abusing the Cruelty to Animals code of conduct.

Then Will cam in, so Jack hid behind a small bottle of rum. Will looked around and saw his master, the tramp pretending to be a blacksmith, fast asleep.

'Right where I left you,' Will said. 'In a deep coma.'

But THEN! Will saw a hammer which had moved a whole three degrees clockwise.

'But not where I left you,' Will frowned. Then he saw Jack's hat. Jack was worried but Will shrugged and continued to talk to random objects around the workshop.

Eventually Jack had pins and needles so he stood up.

'Hello. My name is William. Why were you hiding behind that rum?' Will said.

'Can you fight me please? I have pins and needles in my foot, and I want to shake it off.' Jack replied.

'Are you a pirate?' Will said.

'_No_, I'm the bloody _health inspector_. What does it look like to you?' Jack overloaded the sarcasm but Will just stared at him.

'Sorry, Mr Health Inspector. I will fight you. Am I supposed to let you win? There aren't any cockroaches here, honest.' At that moment, a cockroach crawled across Jack's foot.

'I'm a pirate,' Jack sighed.

'As well? My, you must have your work - ' Then Will realised what Jack had said properly.

'I don't like pirates.'

'Right, well I'll be leaving then. This is boring,' Jack said. But Will had a fight with him before Jack could leave.

Then Will threw his sword at the door, trying to be clever. It missed and hit the window, scaring lots of children in the street.

'You don't have a weapon, na na na na na na,' Jack said in a singsong voice. Will picked up a lemon and threw it at Jack. Then they fought some more.

Eventually, after a lot of fighting, the Commodor and his men banged on the door. Jack tried to escape and told Will that his last shot in his gun was not meant for him. Will asked Jack if it was a Christmas present for someone. Jack replied that it was July, and you shouldn't give people bullets for presents anyway. Will answered that he thought it would be exciting to receive a bullet. Jack asked if he would like one fired at him on his birthday. Will pondered this and said no, not really, he wouldn't like a bullet fired at him on any day. Jack told him to move out the way then, and Will said no, because he always stood here at 3:32 pm, and that was the time now.

Then the tramp guy woke up from his coma and smashed Jack over the head with a bottle. Jack fell over.

The Commodor and his men rushed in and congratulated the tramp guy.

'I did most of it,' Will said.

The men ignored him and continued congratulating Mr Brown.

'I said, I DID MOST OF IT!' Will yelled.

'Nobody's listening, Turner. Well done again, Mr Brown,' Commodor Norrington said.

Jack was unconscious, so he didn't say anything.

'Gentlemen, I trust you will remember this as the day that Captain Jack Sparrow almost escaped. Take him away,' the Commodor said meanly.


	8. Jewellry Robbery Number 5

_Hi again! Thanks for all the reviews!_

**Chapter 8: Jewellery Robbery Number Five.**

Captain Jack Sparrow sat in the small cell in Port Royal jail. Some people next door kept yelling at a dog. They were trying to coax it over using a single Brussel's Sprout.

'You can keep doing that forever, the dog is never going to move,' Jack said.

'Oh? And why's that? Eh? Eh? Eh?' the guys next door said.

'Because it's actually a canary,' Jack explained.

'Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,' the guys said, realising their mistake.

Suddenly some guns went off.

'I know those guns!' Jack yelled. 'It's the Pearl!'

Then the guys said something about there being no survivors. And Jack said 'Where do the stories come from then?' And the guy said that if the Black Pearl was seen coming into a town, and then there were loads of bodies everywhere, it was good enough for him. Jack said the guy should shut up and quit messing with the story.

Meanwhile, at the Governor's house, Elizabeth was sitting in bed.

'It has been a hard day for you, Miss, I'm sure,' the maid said.

'Yes. I can't believe I lost my elevenses. Thirteen shillings worth of mackerel that was,' Elizabeth said mournfully.

The maid then broke into a loud and tuneless version of 'The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow', so Elizabeth threw a book at her.

'Will Turner is a nice man, Miss,' the maid said.

'That is too bold. Can't you see I hate him?' Elizabeth threw another book at her. It was sheer bad luck it was _Harry Potter 5 _which she picked up first, but that has nothing to do with the story, so let's move on.

Will was throwing swords at a doodle of Norrington in the forge but he heard a noise. He ran out to see pirates attacking the town!!! People ran away, screaming as pirates chased them, trying to rap 'A Pirate's Life for Me.' Will grabbed a sword, an axe, and an elvish bow with LEGOLAS written on it. Then he walked out to see what was happening.

Will threw an axe at a person he thought was Norrington, but it turned out to be a random pirate. He apologised cheerfully and returned inside to continue playing 'Hit Norrington With A Sword Just Like The Posh Git Got Given At The Bloody Overrated Promotion Ceremony'.

At the house, Elizabeth got out of bed because pirates were attacking. She quickly ran to the stairway. Then there was a knock at the door. The stupid doorman opened it.

'Pizza delivery for Governor Swann?' a small weedy man with glasses and a name badge which read 'Dexter' said.

'The Governor is not here, but thank you. Three shillings, plus a sixpence service rate. Here you go.'

Then some pirates invaded the house. Elizabeth ran and hid in a cupboard and put a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door.

The pirates found her and said 'Hello. Please may we have your medallion?'

'Parlez!' Elizabeth screeched. 'Take me to your leader!'

The pirates sighed. 'That means we have to take you to our captain. Wouldn't it just be simpler to hand over the - '

'No!' Elizabeth shouted. 'Parlez!'

So the pirates took her away to see Barbossa, the evil captain.

On board the Pearl, Elizabeth met some pirates.

'I am here to speak to the pirate man,' she screeched.

Then a pirate hit her on the nose. 'You'll speak when spoken to!'

Then Barbossa stepped up to the squawking Elizabeth and scowled at the pirate.

'And ye'll not lay a hand on a woman with D cups and nice legs. Now go away.'

The pirates stepped back.

'Now, what is it you want?' Barbossa said.

'Leave ma town right noo,' Elizabeth said.

'We are naught but humble morons. We don't understand,' Barbossa replied in a dumb voice.

'Piss off,' Elizabeth screeched.

'You can't make us,' Barbossa said.

'My daddy is the governor,' Elizabeth squawked.

'Bite me,' Barbossa shrugged.

'I'll chuck your purty medallion to the sharkies!' Elizabeth threatened.

'Go on then.'

'Fine. I will.'

'Ok.'

'I'm doing it.'

'Yes. You said.'

'I'm chucking it over.'

'Yep, we know.'

'I really am.'

'Yes...you've said.'

'Any minute now.'

'Righty-ho.'

'I really am. In a minute.'

'Yup.'

'Cos, I don't care about the medallion, and you say you don't care about the medallion.'

'That's right.'

'So, nobody's upset if I chuck it in the sea.'

'Nope.'

'Right, I'm doing it then,' Elizabeth said, trying to be clever.

'Yep,' a pirate said.

'OK!'

'OK.'

Elizabeth paused. 'I'm going to chuck it, you know.'

Barbossa suddenly snapped. 'YOU IRRATATING LITTLE AIRHEAD! WOULD YOU JUST CHUCK THE DAMN MEDALLION! PLEASE!'

Elizabeth paused again. 'I sure will.' There was a long silence while everyone stared at her.

Then she really did go and try to chuck it over. But a friendly dolphin caught it and chucked it back up again.

'That's Frederick. He works for us. What is your name,' Barbossa demanded evilly.

'Mrs William,' Elizabeth said.

'Mrs...WILLIAM,' Barbossa said triumphantly, like he had discovered something big. All the pirates cheered. 'That makes no sense at all,' he concluded.

'I mean Miss Turner,' Elizabeth screeched.

'Miss TURNER.' Barbossa said. 'Can I have your purty medallion for my sixties themed birthday party?'

'Only if you leave my nice town and stop blowing things up,' Elizabeth said sweetly.

'Alrighty,' Barbossa said cheerfully.

So Elizabeth gave him the medallion.

'Now take me back to shore,' she demanded rudely.

'How about NO. What do I look like, a bloody water taxi driver? You should have said, you dopey moo,' Barbossa said.

'My daddy and Commy Doory Norry will find me and kill yooooooooooooou,' Elizabeth screeched, stamping on the deck with her fuzzy Kermit slippers.

But the ship sped away and nobody took any notice of her.

_Wow...this chapters kinda long...hmm, never mind. Please R&R..._

_and really bad eggs..._

_I was thinking about doing a Harry Potter spin off after this one. Whaddaya think?? Let me know..._


	9. Dinner tonight : Fish and Ships

**Chapter 9: Dinner tonight - fish and ships.**

Elizabeth was sulking in the ships cabin.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Two pirates, Intel and Spaghetti, entered.

'Hello Miss,' Spaghetti said.

'Gutentaag,' Intel, who was Swedish added politely.

'Anyways, we is very sorry to disturb you but Barbie - I mean, Barbossa - wants you to have dinner with him.' Spaghetti flushed deep red, embarrassed by his big fat mouth. How, oh how, did he let Barbossa's private nickname slip?

'Noooooo!' Elizabeth screeched rudely.

'And he send you somezing nice for wear,' Intel answered.

It was a Kermit the Frog outfit, complete with eye holes and a banjo.

'You can tell the captain I am disinclined to aquiest to his request,' Elizabeth read from the script someone helpfully shoved in front of her nose.

'He said you'd say that. And he said to remember we are morons. He also said if that be the case, you will dine with the crew. And ye'll be wearing a cheeseburger costume.'

'Freaky,' Elizabeth sighed, shaking her head. 'Where did tha cheeseburger costume come from?'

'Oh, ve nick from a guy name Norrington,' Intel said vaguely. 'So, what's your choice?'

Elizabeth grabbed the Kermit costume like lightning. 'I'll dine with the captain! I'll dine with the captain!'

In the private dining room of Captain Barbossa, Elizabeth was looking at the food. She politely took a bite of approximately 0.002 grams.

Barbossa told her to quit being picky. 'You will make the viewers nauseous. How can they stuff their faces with popcorn while you take tiny bites like that?'

So Elizabeth grabbed some and shoved it in her mouth.

'I didn't say eat like a complete pig,' Barbossa said. 'Now you're being a smartass.'

Elizabeth gulped some wine but refused an apple.

'This is a DISNEY FILM,' she screeched. 'Have you never seen Snow White, you Granny Smith you?'

Barbossa rolled his eyes. 'Banana then?'

'Oh, piss off. I want to talk about blacksmiths.'

Barbossa's attention was drawn to the director, who was waving angrily.

'No, we have to talk about the medallion so the audience aren't confused.'

'Alrighty,' Elizabeth said.

'Ye don't know what this is, do ye?' Barbossa whispered ghoulishly.

Elizabeth thought. 'Weeeeeeeeeeeell. I have established it's not chocolate. Because I did try to eat it and nothing happened.'

'Aztec gold. One of 882 pieces delivered to Cortes. Blood Money, to - '

'I thought the shiny gold stuff might be wrapping paper, like on Christmas chocolate money,' Elizabeth interrupted rudely.

'To stem the slaughter. Slaughter he wreaked upon them with his armies. But the greed of Cortez was insatiable - '

'Silly bugger. I never take more than my fair share, and I always have Fairtrade. The poor man obviously liked chocolate money.'

Barbossa told Elizabeth that he would burn her chocolate supply as fuel if she didn't shut up.

'But you're using big words,' Elizabeth whined.

'Alright, fine. We nicked some purty gold medallions, and now we are cursed. Cursed until we put all the medallions back and put some blood in.'

'Why?' Elizabeth demanded.

'Because...I don't know!' Barbossa was getting irritated.

Elizabeth looked out the window and saw some skeletons.

'Oh no, they are OAP seventies blingers!' she shrieked.

Barbossa kicked her out the door. 'Yes, we are cursed when the moon comes out, and the disco night begins. And you have to give us some blood.'

'Well, you should have thought of that before you took the purty gold!' Elizabeth shrieked.

'It wasn't my fault, it was the sixties back then!' Barbossa said heatedly. 'We've returned every last afro wig, every last John Travolta suit. And now, we return this. We are cursed men, Kermit, cursed men. For too long I've been parched of thirst and nobody's made me a cup of tea! For too long I've been starving, and nobody can find any cheese! I feel nothing, not a punch on the nose or the warmth of a cheeseburger suit.'

As he was saying this, Barbossa came through the door transformed as a sixties rocker.

'You'd best start believing in _Saturday Night Fever_, Miss Turner. You're in one.'

Elizabeth screeched and locked herself in the cabin as the pirates launched into a glitzed up version of 'Summer Nights' from Grease. She gradually fell into a terrified sleep, amidst cries of 'Tell me more, tell me more,' and 'It was _my_ turn to be Sandy!' (from Spaghetti.)


	10. Cake? What cake?

Ah ha, I bet you're wondering at this point. In the movie, aren't scenes with Jack linked in BEFORE Elizabeth goes foolishly running after pirate ships? Well, yes, that's true, but I'm so not gonna keep randomly cutting back and forth, so we're doing that separately. Kay? Good.

Ahem.

But what was happening to Jack at this point? Well, he was in the prison, and a big cannonball blew through the wall.

All the other pirates climbed out of it, but Jack couldn't get out.

'My sympathies, friend. There's no manner of lock at all,' a random pirate said.

'There's a key right next to you, if you could just pass - '

'Terrible. Terrible. Poor friend. Very sorry. Must dash,' the pirate said, shaking his head.

'If you could just pass the key, that would be great - '

'Terrible. Terrible terrible terrible. Well goodbye,' the pirate said cheerfully, leaving.

Jack sat there, now extremely pissed off.

Suddenly there was a clatter coming down the stairs.

'Hey! This ain't the lingerie - I mean, the armoury,' one random pirate said.

'Well, well, well, Johnny Depp isn't it?' the other pirate said.

'Jack Sparrow,' Jack said angrily.

'Last time I saw you, you was all alone on a God-forsaken island, shrinking into the distance,' the first one said.

'And the last time _I_ saw you, you was baking a cake,' his buddy chirped.

Jack looked confused. 'Did you hit your head falling down the stairs?' he asked.

'No,' the pirate said and began to do chicken impressions. 'His fortunes haven't improved much,' he said to his friend the First Pirate.

'Worry about your own fortunes, gentlemen. The deepest circle of Hell is inside the other circles,' Jack said in an evil voice.

'I see,' one of them pondered, idly punching Jack on the nose. As his hand came into the moonlight, the fingers became encrusted with rings, the sleeve became glittery, and the flesh a bright orange of rub-on fake tan.

'Eeeeeeeew,' Jack shuddered. 'Man, you really are cursed,'

'You know nothing of hell,' Piratedude said, dropping Jack (who then punched him back.)

Then the pirates went away, leaving Jack to keep saying 'Interesting. Interesting. Yes, very interesting indeed.'

_OK...that was short, but the next scene is coming up so stay tuned. And yes, I know that this one isn't particularly funny...but prisons are meant to be depressing, get over it._


	11. Go away, you smell bad'

It was the morning after the night before.

Again.

Will woke up, surrounded by chicken shit. His head felt like someone was cruelly stamping on it. He sat up slowly. He remembered now...the party at the tavern, the big sign with 'HOORAY...SHE'S GONE!' written on it, the sixteen mugs of ale. Oh yeah...something about a pirate battle too? He stood up, blinking in the light.

He walked over slowly to where Norry and the Guvnor were standing. There was a long table. On one side was a map and several soldiers, on the other was a sign reading 'LOB A LOBSTER...JUST SIXPENCE A GO!' and a pile of frozen lobsters.

'Hello Will. Are you trying to help us find Elizabeth?' Elizabeth's Pa said.

'No. Lob A Lobster please,' Will said.

'Listen Norry,' the Governor said sighing, 'I know you want the crowd to come this way to draw attention to Elizabeth's rescue, but maybe this wasn't such a good way to go about it? I mean, out of the 247 visitors we've had, nobody's asked about my daughter at all. Yes, sixpence, Mr Turner.'

Will picked up his lobster. Ignoring the target, he threw it at Norrington's head.

'Listen,' Governor Swann said. 'Please go away because you smell bad.'

'Gimme another three goes free,' Will demanded.

'Tell you what, go and look for Liz so I don't have to get off my fat arse to do it and you can have five free goes, mate.'

Will agreed and continued to throw more lobsters at Norrington's head.

'Right, well I best be off to rescue the bitch then,' he sighed. Norrington, looking slightly dazed, got up from where he was cowering under the table in fear.

'Would you...would you like a peanut-butter sandwich to take on the way?' he asked.

'No, ta,' Will said, looking slightly confused.

'Are you sure?' Norrington said, very concerned. 'How about jam? You don't want to get hungry on the way.'

Will looked very very scared and walked away.

'Norry, _please_,' hissed the Governor. 'Leave the food making at home!'

Meanwhile, young Will was on his way to talk to Jack, who was still in the prison.


	12. Ships don't have babies, mate'

Jack was in his jail cell, pondering. Suddenly Will burst in in an attempt to look heroic, before promptly falling over flat on his face.

'You! Sparrow!'

'Aye?' Jack said. 'Or since we're on the terms of bad manners, yes you ugly bastard?'

Will frowned, looking hurt. 'Do you know anything about the ship?'

'What ship?' Jack asked, looking confused.

'The ship and they stole Elizabeth,' Will said, beaming.

Will often confused people when they tried to ask him something important (bless his little heart.)

'Look, mate, you're making no sense at all,' Jack said slowly and clearly so Will could understand. 'What...ship...?'

'The black one,' Will said promptly.

'The black one,' Jack repeated, staring at Will. 'You mean...the Black Pearl?'

'Yup! That one! That one!' Will replied, jumping up and down happily.

'I've 'eard of it,' Jack said.

'Where does it make berth?' Will said.

'Where does it make birth? Listen, I don't know what your mummy explained to you, mate, but ships don't have babies, OK?'

Will let out a high pitched giggle. 'No silly! The other berth!'

Jack looked confused. 'Isle de Mayonnaise...no...Moyetta, that's the one.'

'Can you take me there?'

'Certainly, Turner. I charge four quid an hour for babysitting, five if it includes feeding you, savvy?'

'No, I don't want a babysitter. I don't like babysitters. You can be my friend instead,' Will said cheerfully.

'What's in it for me?' Jack said.

'I can get you out of here.'

'How's that, the keys all the way over there,' Jack said, pointing at the wall behind Will.

'Dynamite!' Will said excitedly.

Jack jumped. 'No, no no! Please, just use the key!'

It took some persuading but Will eventually did as Jack had asked.

-

Down at the beach, Jack and Will hid under a boat. Then when nobody (not that they could tell because they couldn't see, but...) was looking, they walked down to the sea.

'My,' sighed the fat red-coated guy to his buddy. 'That sure is one big turtle.'

'It sure is,' his buddy agreed.

Will and Jack headed to the Dauntless inside their lil airbubble. Will trod in a lobster pot and ended up with squashed lobster all over his feet. 'Whoopsy,' he giggled.

Finally they reached the Dauntless. They climbed aboard and saw Lt. Gillette, a naval officer who was currently trying to invent the razor.

'Everybody stay calm we are taking over the ship,' Jack yelled.

'Aye! You're vast!' Will shouted at one large sailor.

Lt. Gillette said they couldn't crew the ship all by theirselvsies, and Jack replied that he was Captain Jack Sparrow. Lt. Gillete said yes, he knew that thank you. Jack told him to piss off and threw him over the edge of the ship.

Norrington was making a sandwich for the Governor. Suddenly he heard someone shouting at him.

'Oi! Norry! They're taking the Dauntless!'

Norry sighed and a whole lot of sailors went out in the Interceptor to save the Dauntless.

Then a whole lot of other things happened, but all you really need to know is that Jack and Will waited until all the sailors had come over onto the Dauntless, then swung over onto the Interceptor. It was a very very very fast ship so the Dauntless couldn't catch up with them.

And then they yelled lots of obscene language at Norry and drove away with the ship. Norry burst into tears and had a tantrum, giving Will and Jack time to get away, and Will time to chuck a few water balloons at Norrington. Hurrah.

_Sorry the end of this one was slightly rushed...but the next chapter will be way better to make up for it, which is good. Hurrah (again.)_


	13. Family Secrets and Fruit Loops

_Hi again...thanks for the reviews. I would just like to point out that Norry isn't gay. He just happens to LIKE making pretty sandwiches and wearing pink. OK?_

CHAPTER 13: FAMILY SECRETS

At this point in the movie, a young lad called Jimmy turned to his friend Billy.

'Jeez, Billy! This here is the biggest load of crap I've ever seen! It sure isn't much like Pirates of the Caribbean.'

'Hey, whaddya expect for a low-budget?' his friend said. 'Personally, I thought it was quite funny...'

'You make me sick!' Jimmy said, shaking his head.

Just then the usher with mafia connections came and told them to get out.

-

So, Will and Jack were on board the Interceptor.

'Well, William. Here we are,' Jack said. There was a pause.

'Yes,' Will answered. 'Here we are.'

Jack was annoyed to see that Will had missed his cue.

'So. At the jail you said your name was William TURNER. That was your father's name, wasn't it?'

'Yup!' Will said cheerfully.

Jack sighed and tried again. 'Your father was a great man Will.'

'Yup!' said Will again.

Jack looked frustrated. 'No! Listen to me!!! I. Know. All. About. Your. Father. Why do you think that might be?'

'Dunno,' Will shrugged.

Jack handed him a script.

'OH MY GOD!!! YOU KNEW MY FATHER!' Will yelled. 'MY DADDY! MY PA! MY CHUM! MY BIG GUY! YOU KNEW HIM! NO! NO!!!! THIS CANNOT BE!!!! WHY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

'No, mate.' Jack showed Will the script again. 'Your line's just :I'm not a simpleton Jack, you knew my father. OK?'

'DON'T LIE, BASTARD!' Will said, now adding in dramatic stage sobs. 'YOU - YOU - SCUM!!!! WELL, I'M GONNA LIVE UP TO HIS DREAMS! TO HIS EXPECTATIONS, YES, SIR I AM!!!'

'Yes, he was a good pirate,' Jack said.

'MY FATHER WAS NOT A PIRATE!' Will screamed.

'Er. Yes he was,' Jack said.

'He wasn't,' Will sobbed.

Jack pulled out a photo. A gang of men, mostly with eyepatches and gold teeth, were standing in neat rows for a photo. Jack was in the middle. Next to him was Bill Turner. Across the top was a banner saying, 'Most Filmable Crew 1st Place, 1789.'

Will began his over dramatic stage-sobbing again and dramatically sunk to his knees. He thought hard. Now what tone of voice sounded the most dramatic? Yes...that one. 'I'm sorry, Papa,' he said, in a choked half whisper.

Jack found this irritating.

'Oi! Mr I-had-a-blond-wig-so-now-I'm-great, I'm the one who's done many many movies and stuff! I believe you've been in...what was it...six or seven? That's counting the Lord of the Rings separately? Not forgetting you began your career as a dude called Peter something on British small-town Midsomer Murders, eh?'

Will stood up, ready to fight, but Jack turned the long thing on the ship around so Will was dangling over the ocean.

'Hahahahahaha. Should have ducked,' Jack said.

'Alright! Alright! I can sail under the command of a pirate!'

'Say 'My Pirate Friend Here Is the Best Cos He's Made Tons And Tons Of Movies',' Jack said.

'My Pirate Friend Here Is the Best Cos He's Made Tons And Tons Of Movies,' Will said, glaring evilly at Jack.

'Thank you Will. Actually, I don't think I will let you back on the ship. Just _hang out_ there for a while will you?'

'Oh! So hilarious! I'm laughing my head off!' Will snarled.

Jack hummed and ignored him.

Finally the ship arrived in Tortilla.

'Hmm. This is a nice place,' Will said.

'Yes, yes. A lovely place. No man ever feels unwanted here,' Jack said as a man ran past screaming followed by an angry mob wielding explosives.

Then they went to the pigsty. There was Mr Gibbs, who had been chucked out of the navy after he threw Norrington in the ocean (he was drunk at the time). Norrington couldn't actually swim, which was why everyone took it so badly.

Jack chucked some water at him. So did Will, who was very hyper by this time.

'Will!' Jack scolded. 'How many times? We don't eat Fruit Loops. They have too much sugar in.'

Will burst into hysterical sobbing and ran into the door several times.

'C'mon, mate,' Jack said to Gibbs. 'Lets get down the pub.'


	14. Bud Weis Er

CHAPTER 14: 'BUD. WISE. ER.'

The pub was busy. Jack and Gibbs sat down and had a drink, leaving Will to stand aimlessly in the middle of the pub and gaze into outer space.

'So. We were talking about dolphins,' Mr Gibbs hiccupped.

'No, we were talking about Bill Turner,' Jack replied.

'Oh, yes. I remember Phil. He's dead,' Mr Gibbs giggled, obviously rather pissed.

'Something like that...' Jack said. 'Look. I want to go after the Black Pearl, right?

'Left,' Mr Gibbs said solemnly.

'I need the guy. Over there.'

'That one? He's a blacksmith,' Mr Gibbs said.

'Yeah, but he's Bill Turner's kid. HIS ONLY CHILD. Are you getting me?'

'Not really. Bill had photos of all his kids. I think there were seventeen in total.'

Jack sighed. 'Just get me a crew, mate.'

-

It was the next day.

Down by the ships, Mr Gibbs was introducing his crew.

'There's Lenny, Homer, Bill, Gary, Barry, Harry and Bill. Two. And Annamaria, ignore her for now.'

Jack approached a sailor. 'You, sailor!'

'Barry, sir,' Gibbs volunteered.

Jack reeled off a whole list of pirate stuff.

Barry did not answer so Jack got annoyed.

'Answer, man!'

'Poor devil can't speak sir. He doesn't like you,' Gibbs said, shaking his head sorrowfully. Barry flipped Jack off and then pointed to the parrot.

'All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuuuuuuu,' the parrot squawked.

'Mostly we figure he's telling you that he likes Christmas,' Mr Gibbs said.

'Course he is,' Jack said cheerfully. Then he saw Annamaria.

'You stole my boat!' she said, slapping him.

Jack promised her she would get a better one and pointed to a leaking rowing boat. Then the sailors ran on board before she could hit them.


	15. The Ritual, you bastards

CHAPTER 15: '882 MEDALLIONS, SITTING IN THE CHEST.'

Elizabeth sung the song again.

'882 medallions sitting in a chest

882 medallions sitting in a chest

And if one medallion fell out of my vest

881 medallions sitting in a chest'

etc, etc.

Suddenly Barbossa opened the door and went 'HEllOOOOOOoooooOOOOOooOo!' which scared Elizabeth out of her mind and made her sit on the skellymonkey.

It was time for the ritual thing.

...

The sailors were having a karaoke contest. All singing a jazzed-up version of 'Fame!' they failed to notice that the ship had crashed into a rock.

'Look! The ship has broked!' Will said excitedly, dancing a jig.

'Oh, lobsters and earwax,' Jack cursed. 'Now we must go to yonder cave in search of wood.'

'What if the worst should happen, Cappy chum?' Gibbs said, sobbing.

'Keep to the code.'

'Keedoke,' Gibbs said, looking at the bit in the code book which said 'He who falls behind is left behind' and nodding.

So Jack n Will, our dynamic duo, went ashore.

...

'What is the worst happen code?' Will said.

Jack sighed. 'No Will. What have we talked about? Explain...it...properly.'

'The code and the book says that worser happens.'

Jack hit him. 'WHAT?'

'What code? What is the code?'

'Those who fall behind must be found and given spaghetti hoops,' Jack said.

'Are you sure that's the bit Gibbles was looking at?' Will said worriedly.

'Oh yes,' Jack answered cheerfully.

...

It was in the cave.

'Pirate chums!' Barbossa said. 'Begin ye the sacred ritual that will lift our curse!'

The pirates all did a jig, turning in circles as they hopped madly in a dangerous yet hypnotizing dance, a piece of cinema history.

'Begin ye the sacred chant!' Barbossa said.

The pirates gathered into 'Ensemble Cast Finale' positions. They launched into a song about mouldy bananas, which turned into a wild, jazzy, blurred version of Night Fever. They continued to hop but added in other dances: pieces of scrambled ballet and breakdancing.

Then Barbossa cut Liz's hand and she said 'Ow, you bastard.'

...

Meanwhile Will knocked Jack out with an oar. Will beamed. He was a big grownup. He could do the mission all by himself.

He burst into the cave and grabbed Liz, then ran away. The pirates were concussed from breakdancing so they just giggled and waved.

Barbossa started yelling 'STOP them!!! STOP THEM!!!' but the pirates giggled even more at his beard.

...

Liz had grabbed the medallion on her way out the cave. So they went back to the ship. Elizabeth told the crew they were pirates and then saw Mr Gibbs. 'Oh, you're the smelly one who sleeps in pigstys!' she said.

'I am indeedy,' Mr Gibbs said.

Then Mr Gibbs said, 'Where is Jack?'

'I hit him on the head with an oar, so he is unable to come back to the ship which is all my fault. So I propose we leave him there,' Will said and the crew sailed away.

...

Back in the cave Jack came out and started confusing the pirates.

'Kill that man,' Barbossa said.

The pirates paused and waited for Jack to stop Barbossa from letting them kill him.

They waited five minutes.

Ten.

Fifteen.

Half an hour later, Jack went 'I know who's blood you need.'

'Who?' Barbossa said.

'That's a secret,' Jack said.

'Tell me,' Barbossa said.

'No,' Jack said.

'Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?' Barbossa whined.

'No.'

'Pretty pleeeeeease? Pleeeeeeeeeeeease, Jackie? Remember that time, before we was pirates and we went to kindergarten!!!! It was fun!!! And you stole my dinosaur toy! And we were best buddies and we had a sandpit! A SANDPIT! Tell me Jackie!!! Go on!!!'

'You suck,' Jack said.

Barbossa tried to bring up some more childhood memories. 'And remember that time when your mom made cupcakes? And it was snowing? And we built a snowman and called him Geoff after your dad? And when he came home from the office he bought us staples?'

Jack stared at Barbossa.

'And there was that time in third grade when we shared a birthday cake? And your mom wrote 'JACKIE SPARROW AND BARNEY BARBOSSA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!' on it in red icing? And we had a party!'

Jack turned to leave.

'Jackie!' Barbossa yelled. 'Jackie! Listen! Remember when I told my parents I was leaving home to be a pirate and they went nuts, 'cause my dad had got me a job at the office filing and mending the photocopier? And you let me come on your ship? And I was first mate Barney? Remember Jackie?'

Finally Jack turned around. 'Ok. You have five minutes to negociate a deal with me about the medallion. Happy now?'

Barbossa burst into tears of joy.


	16. Ya said WHAT?

CHAPTER 16: YOU SAID WHAT???

'So,' Barbossa said. 'What you're saying is, you want to leave me on some goddamn island with nought but a name and a bottle of soda?'

'Nada, nada, nada,' Jack contradicted. 'I pwopose to leave you on some small sinking piece if wood with nought but a heavy weight, and I'll shout the name back to you. If you're lucky.'

Then Barbossa got angry and hit him with an apple.

'Now that wasn't very nice,' Jack said.

Then they went up on deck and decided to re-enact the scene from Titanic (Jack! I'm flying!)

But Barbossa got mad and locked Jack up.

...

'Will!' screeched our darling heroine. 'Can you stick a plaster on my hand pleeeeease? It keeps getting stuck to my fringe.'

So Will bandaged Elizabeth's hand, deliberately pinching her every few seconds.

'Yeow!' yelped Elizabeth. 'Oh yeah, you have rough blacksmiths hands don't you?'

Will's face crumpled. 'So I've been spending my wages on _Dove's Purty Handcream With Added Enzymes And Moisturising Balm That Locks In The Skin's Natural Balms For Morning, Night, Lunchtime And Afternoon Use_ for nothing?'

'Yup,' Elizabeth said.

'Well gimme my medallion then,' Will sobbed.

'Here you are, Will-iam,' Elizabeth said, throwing at him and denting his nose.

...

'Ah...lookie here,' Gibbsey said. 'The Black Pearl is chasing us.'

'We are bad pirates, let's throw spoons at them!' Midget guy said excitedly.

'Oh! Oh! I wanna throw spoons!' said another pirate.

So as the Black Pearl blasted the crap out of them, the pirates happily threw spoons at their attackers.

Jack was still in prison and he was sad.

...

Of course all the good pirates got captured, so Liz was recaught. But Will escaped. He was desperately trying to swim for shore, but unfortunately swam into the side of the Black Pearl instead.

'Barbossa!' he yelled.

'Yeah?' Barbie answered.

'Let Elizabeth go free!'

'Why?'

'Cos if I save her her daddy's gonna give me a tractor!' Will yelled.

'Who the f-ck are you?' Barbossa said.

'William!'

'William who?' a pirate asked.

'Turner!'

'Who the hell is William Turner?' asked another pirate.

'The guy and you need his blood to lift the curse,' Will shouted.

'No, we was looking for the child of Theeble Shrimp!' yelled Intel.

'Yes...that was my dad's pirate name,' Will lied.

'Uh. OK. But Theeble Shrimp was a woman, so I don't know what you mean by "your father".'

'Uh...uh...yeah!' Will retorted, confusing the pirates. They shook their heads in puzzlement, giving the crew time to run away. But Jack was trying to get his bandana off a monkey, and Elizabeth just stared dozily into space, which Barbossa was annoyed about.

So Will was carted off to be pirate ritualed and Jack and Elizabeth played diving and scuba diving off the ship, which promptly drove away, leaving them stranded on an island.


	17. The Famous Five, Four, Two even

Chapter 17: That's Right. This one. The one you've been waiting for...

**CHAPTER 17: THE FAMOUS FIVE. FOUR. TWO EVEN**

So, Jack and Liz waded ashore. Liz spat out a lobster, three fish and a small guppy distastefully.

'Gawd, I hate the ocean,' she said.

'Really?' Johnny said.

'Yeah. Now, escape. I don't like islands.'

'But this island is cool,' Jack frowned.

'Look. How did you escape last time?'

Jack shrugged. 'I don't remember. I think I made a plane out of coconut wreckage.'

There was a long pause.

'Right,' Jack said.

'There's nothing to doooooooooooo!' Elizabeth howled.

A waiter rushed up to them. 'Gleetings, me fellow tooooouristes,' he said in a wonderful amazing accent. 'I cans get yous a drink, no?'

'Yeah. I'll get...er...yeah, get us a tequila sunrise, Antonio. And maybe a glass of milk and a cookie for Liz here, eh?'

Antonio nodded and rushed off to the bar.

'Alright then,' Jack said. He went over to a helpful stand by a palm tree and got a map and a few brochures. 'Now, there's a Limbo Evening tomorrow...and they've got the best Beach Boys tribute band playing Saturday...what do ye think, Elizabeth?'

Elizabeth burst into tears.

'How about a game of volleyball then?' Jack said. He waved to three happy holiday makers, all grinning with scary happiness, throwing an inflatable beach ball over a volley ball net.

'I wanna go hoooo-oooooo-oooome!' Elizabeth howled.

In the end, Jack dragged her off to a deserted corner of the island after the tourists complained about the noise. He gave her a Cornetto to shut her up and then went back to the bar to order some rum.

Later, Jack and Elizabeth sashayed back to the dancefloor. It was a total party. The bar was open and the palm trees were decorated in twinkly lights. Everyone danced to the funky calypso music playing.

'Well, what do you think, luv?' Jack said.

'I'm thinking it's a PAR-TAY!' Elizabeth screeched loudly, causing several happy tourists to spill their drinks.

'Mmmm...' Jack said, agreeing and backing away.

Finally all the tourists went back to their hotels, dragging their screaming two year olds away from the fairy light wires. Jack and Elizabeth stayed though. They carried on dancing until Jack drunk enough rum to make himself unconscious. Elizabeth sighed and fired the barman.

...

Jack woke up to some odd sounds.

'OH MY GOD!!! RUN! RUN!!'

'EVERYONE GET INTO THE HELICOPTER. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY EVACUATION.'

'GRINS&JOLLITY HOLIDAY CO ARE EXTREMELY SORRY FOR THIS SETBACK. PLEASE BE ASSURED WE WILL BE IN TOUCH SOON. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.'

'MARLENE! MAAAARLENE! RUN BACK AND GET THE BLOODY CAMERA! GO! GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!'

'BARNEY, LET GO OF MUMMY'S HANDBAG. STOP IT! JUST GET ON THE BLOODY HELICOPTER. COME ON, YOU HORRIBLE CHILD!'

'WOW...FRED. CANS WE TAKE A PHOTO TO SHOW THE FOLKS BACK HOME?'

There was also the confusing sound of flames crackling. Jack sat up and realised the whole island was on fire. Scared tourists were being hurried into helicopters. The bar was burned to a crisp. Elizabeth was standing, grinning evilly and holding several sticks of dynamite, matches, and rum.

'Why has the rum gone?' Jack asked, confused.

'I burnded it!' Elizabeth lisped proudly. 'You horrible pirate.' she added for viewing sake.

'Why, Belizabeth?' Jack said in a hungover voice.

'Beeeeeeecause, I don't like rum. And I thought if I set the island on fire...Daddy and Norry will see us!'

Jack stared at her. 'It's a civilised place, Elizabeth. I booked our flight last night, you stupid cow. So you decided, rather than use the payphone or just get the plane tomorrow, or send out a signal using the flashlight at the top of the island...you would just burn the whole island down.'

'Yup,' Elizabeth nodded.

'This island is a branch of Grins&Jollity Holiday co. Its worth millions of doubloons. And now they have to pay all the tourists compensation AND lose their entire branch,' Jack said slowly.

'Hey, I don't like tourists,' Elizabeth shrugged.

Suddenly there was a loud zoom. Jack and Elizabeth rushed down to the beach to look.

It was a James Bond style speed boat. At the front stood Norry, changed into a multi-coloured tropical shirt with new sunglasses on his face, his hair gelled into spikes (which was a big mistake as he had decided to gel the wig. The spikes stood up half a metre into the air.) He was bobbing his head in a COOL FASHION as he crested across the waves, giving a offhand nod and grin to the tourists. Nobody had the heart to tell him that he looked a total prat.

'Elizabeth, darling!' he shouted, waving frantically, then paused. 'I mean...hey, Liz, babe. Whats hangin'?' The tourists laughed at his posh accent.

'Oh look, Granny, they hired some entertainment to keep us happy in the delay!' a woman said, clapping her hands with excitement. 'I just luuuuurve clowns!'

Norry spun the boat round fast but managed to catapult himself off the side. He crawled up the beach, spitting out seaweed.

'We've come to rescue youuuuuu!' he said, crushing her in a hug.

'And to arrest you, you pirate moron,' he said to Jack, who sighed. Here they went again.


	18. Deep Blue Sea Sharks Argh

**CHAPTER 18 - DEEP BLUE SEA SHARKS ARGH**

Five minutes after the last chapter ended, or a week or so after I got off my ass and agreed to write another chapter, Norry, Liz and Jack (who doesn't get a nickname unless you count Jackie or Jackanory) arrived at the Dauntless.

'Greeeeeeetings, Daddio!' Elizabeth screeched, giving him a 'friendly' punch on the shoulder.

'Good day, dearest daughter, angel, treasure,' the Governor said, picking himself up painfully from where he had been knocked over onto the smelly wooden deck.

'Well. As you can see, I have been rescued,' said Elizabeth in that really really annoying voice that people always use when they're about to make speeches. 'I expect you should like to hear the whole story, accompanied by various slides, photos and visual aids. Refreshments will be served after the two hour talk.'

'Thanks but no thanks, love,' Governy Swanny said, hastily moving away.

'Ohhhhhhh ya, Daddy...' Elizabeth called. 'Will is currently being sacrificed by evil blinger pirates. Mayn't we please go save him?'

'Well, it's very sad he's getting sacrificed by pirates, very sad indeed. But no.' Liz's dad grinned and ate a live prawn because he was hungry, maybe.

'Please, Norry, darling' Elizabeth said flirtily.

'No,' Norry said, trying to eat a live octopus but failing.

'Do it for me, babykins,' Elizabeth said even more flirtily. 'As a wedding present.'

'Lizabub!' Elizabeth's dad said, proudly and excitedly. 'Are you accepting the Commadors proposal?'

'Sure am,' Liz said. 'Suckers,' she muttered under her breath.

Norry felt just like the Grinch did when his heart grew three sizes...in desperate need of some cardiotherapy.

'Really?' he choked, tears of happiness running down his face.

'A wedding, I love weddings, drinks all around!' Jack said chirpily, before whacking his nose on one of Norry's wig spikes.

'So...we gonna go back for Will now?' Elizabeth said hopefully.

'I thought you hated Will,' her father said.

Elizabeth took him to one side. 'I do hate him' she said. 'But if we rescue Will the story will be ever so much interesting and then I can tell Norry I hate him just when he gets his hopes up. No, I can dump him at the altar, that's so much more humiliating! Yay!'

'You're a cold cruel bitch, Liz,' Jack said loudly.

Norry glared at him.

'Now Mr Sparrow, trot along with er, Munroe and Wiggins here (remember the thick red-coat dudes from earlier?) and you must tell them directions for how to get to that place where we can save Will. Then we lock you up and hang you when we get back to Port Royal.'

'OK' Jack said.

'Mr Sparrow, you do know the compass bearing don't you?' Norrington said.

'Like, duh. Pirate,' Jack said, rolling his eyes. 'I'll get us there quicker than you can say "Jack Sparrow, Failed at Geography".'

...

Three weeks and five days later, the ship had gone on a round the world trip twice, stopped in Australia five times, moored in the North Pole too many times to count, discovered over 50 new islands and seen all the sights in Europe. Finally they were back to where they had begun.

Norrington looked at Jack evilly and handed him an atlas.


End file.
